


15x19 coda: stripped of everything holy

by contemplativepancakes



Series: Season 15 codas [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s12e19 The Future - Mixtape Scene, Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, First Kiss, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Sucidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27537250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contemplativepancakes/pseuds/contemplativepancakes
Summary: “About time we put you on the family tree, right?”Jack sinks down in the chair across from him, contemplating. He puts the tip to the table and rests it there.Jack glances up at him. “Why isn’t Cas’s name here?”That’s a damn good question, Dean thinks. It’s because he was too much of a fucking coward.  Dean’s still having trouble reconciling everything Cas said with the past ten years of his life. It seems like, maybe, if he thinks about it hard enough, he can see that Cas returned his feelings, but he still can’t believe Cas said all those things. He’s bullshit all the way through, but Cas… Cas hadn’t thought so.Dean clears his throat. “We’ll add his next, huh?”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Season 15 codas [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1539418
Comments: 24
Kudos: 311





	15x19 coda: stripped of everything holy

**Author's Note:**

> please heed the tags, this one goes out to [clara](https://good-things-do-happen-dean.tumblr.com/) for making me emotional about dean dropping the -iel from cas's name all over again. thank you bb <3

“Hey, kid,” Dean calls, plunking his bottle of whiskey down on the table. Some sloshes out the sides, and Dean mourns the loss. “Come here.”

Jack looks over at him from where he’s hunched over a book, flipping through the pages just as quickly as Cas used to. Dean’s mouth is dry, so he takes another swig. 

Dean pulls out his pocket knife from his back pocket, trying and failing miserably to not think of Cas’s warm fingers on his. He flicks it open and hands it to Jack, tapping on the scarred table top. “About time we put you on the family tree, right?”

Jack stares at him for a long moment. “Are you sure?”

And yeah, Dean deserves that, he’s never exactly been the greatest parental figure to Jack, maybe even more of a trainwreck than John ever was, and  _ that’s  _ really saying something. “I’m sure,” he says gruffly. 

Jack sinks down in the chair across from him, contemplating. He puts the tip to the table and rests it there. 

“The whole point is to scratch it; you’re gonna have to press a little bit harder than that.”

Jack glances up at him. “Why isn’t Cas’s name here?”

_ That’s a damn good question,  _ Dean thinks. It’s because he was too much of a fucking coward. Too much of a coward to even tell Cas he loved him back, much less ask him to stay or do something like asking him to carve his initials into the table. 

He had given Cas a mixtape, for fuck’s sake, and he tried to give it back! Dean’s still having trouble reconciling everything Cas said with the past ten years of his life. It seems like, maybe, if he thinks about it hard enough, he can see that Cas returned his feelings, but he still can’t believe Cas said all those things. He’s bullshit all the way through, but Cas… Cas hadn’t thought so. 

Dean clears his throat. “We’ll add his next, huh?”

Jack nods, looking pleased, and focuses his attention on the table. The scritch of the knife makes Dean shudder, the sound scraping against his raw nerves. He’s felt like an exposed wire ever since Cas—

He’s tired. 

Finally, Jack finishes with his name and looks expectantly at Dean. “Good job, kid. Here, let me see that.”

Jack obediently gives him the knife and Dean sets it to the table. He pokes out his tongue, trying to think of the best possible placement. 

In the end, his hands are so shaky with the combination of the alcohol, the lack of sleep, the  _ everything _ , he gives the knife back to Jack and lets him do it. 

When Jack grins up at Dean, he returns the smile, small but sure. 

Jack eventually drifts away from the table, leaving Dean to rub his fingers over the jagged gash of Cas’s name in the table.  _ Castiel _ , Jack had written. He tries not to think too hard about the way he hasn’t said Castiel in years, only Cas, stripping Cas of everything holy and everything that he used to be. He doesn’t know why Cas let him. 

For Cas to be truly happy just telling Dean he loves him—what a fucking a joke. It figures. Dean’s not enough to make anyone happy by himself. The thought of him, maybe. But everyone leaves, soon enough. No one’s ever stuck around for him, and he doesn’t expect that to start now. 

-

Dean looks at Jack’s retreating back with resignation. He had hoped Jack would go back with them to the bunker, but he can’t say he’s surprised. It only makes sense. Dean looks over at Sam. Soon, he’s going to run off to Eileen, and then Dean… 

Dean’s not sure. 

He’s so tired. 

Sam tilts his phone towards Dean, showing him an incoming call, and Dean nods at him to take it. Dean slides into Baby and rubs his hands over the wheel, trying to resist the urge to hunch into himself. 

He should be happy. Chuck is gone, Jack is God, or something like it, and Sam is right here. 

Fuck, why can’t he just be happy?

-

He drops Sam off just outside of Junction City to meet Eileen, and Dean tries not to feel alone. Sam squints at him in worry, and Dean gives him what he hopes is a reassuring grin. “Go get her, lover boy. Just don’t forgot about me, all right?”

Sam squeezes his arm. “We’re gonna get him back. We are, Dean. I know it.”

Dean’s not so sure, but he appreciates the sentiment. Jack was the only chance of bringing Cas back, and Dean knows a little something about hands off Gods. He’s not going to hold his breath. 

Dean somehow makes it back to the bunker and stumbles inside, feeling like he could sleep for a year. He finds himself drifting to Cas’s bedroom, not that it ever truly felt like his. The bed is just as immaculate as it’s ever been, and nothing’s out of place. Dean idly tugs open the nightstand, and his eyes widen as he notices what’s inside. It’s the mixtape, the stupid fucking mixtape he agonized for days over, that had meant everything at the time. 

Dean shakes his head and wishes he’d been a little braver. 

Dean stops by his room to grab his gun cleaning kit and then settles in the library. He pulls out his pistol and removes the clip, making sure the safety’s on before he pulls out his bore snake and runs it through the barrel a few times. He puts a few drops of oil onto a soft rag before lovingly polishing the handle, working his way back to the trigger. He pauses and idly flicks the safety back off. 

He sets the gun down and takes a deep breath. He leaves it there and walks away, still feeling the cool metal on his skin. He thinks about going to the target range, but he’s not sure if that’s a good idea right now. He told Sam not to forget about him. He wouldn’t want the memories to be tainted. 

Like his are of Cas. 

Fuck. 

Dean putters around the bunker. He’s not sure what to do now. There’s no big bad that he needs to hunt, and there’s none of his family here for him to take care of. 

He’s adrift. 

Dean stares at the gun again before shaking his head. 

He’s getting ready to head to the Dean Cave to veg out on Dr. Sexy when the bunker door swings open. Dean’s prepared for it to be Sam, or any number of villains here to finish him off, and that’d be fine, but what he’s not prepared to see is “—Cas? Is it really you? How?”

“I’m… not sure. Jack and Amara showed up in the empty; something about Amara trying again? Dean, I—”

He’s cut off by Dean racing forward and tackling him, pressing Cas against the wall, kissing him and trying to convey everything he wants to say. When he pulls away, Cas presses his fingertips to his lips in wonder. 

“Cas, you’re such a fucking idiot. I can’t believe you! The one thing you wanted but you couldn’t have? It never occurred to you to check in with me about that?”

Cas gapes at him. 

Dean loves him? That’s...inconceivable. Cas feels a little cheated now that he knows he should have at least went in for a kiss before the empty took him.

“How long?” Cas finally says. 

Dean kisses him again before pulling away, clinging to Cas, his fingers leaving pink marks. “Too damn long.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! consider feeding your starving neighborhood writer with a kudos and/or comment and feel free to come hang with me on [tumblr!](https://contemplativepancakes.tumblr.com/)


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